With Respect to the Laws of Fashion

I’ve never been accused of being fashionable, but I do try my best to stay inside the rules and guidelines set out by the Fashion Illuminati and I think I mostly succeed. I never wear brown shoes with a black belt. I always keep the bottom button of my sport coat unbuttoned. And I never wear white after Labor Day. In fact, I rarely ever wear white at all because it does not look great with my complexion.

This wasn’t always the case though (specifically, that I didn’t always abide by the rules of Fashion, I have always had a very pasty complexion). There was a time when I found Fashion arbitrary and capricious and felt there was no good reason why a gentleman couldn’t run around in an ill-fitting t-shirt with a vintage cartoon logo on it and very baggy cargo pants. Fashion at that time–the late 90’s/early 00’s–was uncomfortable and unflattering for me as a teenager. I felt very alienated by the trends of the time, especially because it was no longer socially acceptable to wander the earth with a flannel tied around your waist. It was so convenient! If you got cold, you could just put it on! Why did we stop doing that? But I digress.

Eventually, in the mid-to-late 00’s, fashion began to feel like it was becoming more welcoming to me. A snazzy, yet comfortable button down and fitting but not tight slacks could make a fella look pretty handsome in the eyes of the public. You could even wear cargo shorts in the summer if you were discreet about it. Once I took notice of these trends, It didn’t take long for me to become a convert to the ways of Fashion. I didn’t become a high priest or anything, but I would now go to Fashion Church on the high holidays without complaining about it. Most importantly, I would begin to follow the most bare minimum rules of fashion, so as not to look like an absolute rube.

And I was rewarded with my new embrace of Fashion. Eventually awkward polo shirts gave way to nice t-shirts, sweaters became less itchy, and jeans got that stretchy material, so you could really move around in them. Plus, my new found sartorial flair made me attractive enough for someone to agree to marry me!

Yes, I have gotten in line with Fashion and Fashion has been very good to me… except for one thing. There is something sinister in the world of Fashion and as much as Fashion has helped me in the last decade and a half, I feel I can no longer be silent on this matter. How this isn’t tearing apart the world of Fashion, not to mention the very fabric of society is beyond me. And yes, the pun was expressly intended.

As I’m sure you are aware, it is the height of taboo to wear black and navy blue together. If you’ve got on navy blue, buster you better not be wearing a black belt and/or shoes! I’m sure you’re saying to yourself “What’s the big deal? That’s easy enough to follow!” Well, on that account dear reader, you are sadly mistaken.

You see, the world’s top Fashion Scientists have been hard at work the last decade to make a shade of navy blue that’s so dark it’s practically indistinguishable from black. I don’t know if it’s some really important breakthrough for them like splitting the atom, but it’s making my life miserable. I can’t tell you how many mornings I have turned on every light in my room, plus gotten out a flashlight and a whole book of color swatches just to decide which belt I should wear. And once I do make a choice, for the rest of the day I feel terribly self-conscious that I’ve made the wrong choice. It’s gotten so bad I had to purchase a spectrophotometer to get an accurate reading and even then I don’t trust it. I also had to learn what a spectrophotometer was, which was a task in and of itself.

Now, I know I shouldn’t take this personally–I’m sure everyone owns a spectrophotometer at this point for this exact reason–but I am starting to wonder if this is all some sort of Job-esque test of my Fashion faith. I have a very sharp looking plaid button down that I swear has black and navy blue mixed together, just to mess with me. I mean isn’t this a Fashion crime? Am I an accessory to a Fashion crime? Shouldn’t a navy blue and black mixed plaid shirt be on trial at the Hague… or Milan, which I assume is the Hague for Fashion? How is a man of limited Fashion sense meant to toe the line when the line is so flagrantly battering my toes?

So, I now must ask, no implore, the Fashion Illuminati to please end this madness. I am truly broken. I bought a reversible belt just to hedge my bets in case someone points out I chose the wrong color and I need to adjust on the fly (sadly, reversible shoes are still but a pipe dream). The world doesn’t need a darker shade of navy blue. Just stop.

Or if you really have your heart set on this, could you just bring back wearing a flannel around your waist? That would be amazing.