Let’s Get Some Pizzas!
Is there a more loaded question in today’s America than “Hey, we’re ordering pizza, what do you want on it?” I personally don’t think so, but you might have your own opinion on the matter and that’s OK. I think your opinion is wrong and I’m going to prove it now, which is more than OK, but this isn’t a contest to see who is the most OK (and if it was I would be winning). No, this is a dissection of the incredible levels of mental stress that can and should be created by someone asking you what toppings you’d like on your pizza.
Now obviously, I’m not talking about a waiter or restauranteur who is taking your pizza order. I knew you were going to bring that up in an attempt to give me the business and I’m letting you know right now that I’m not having it. Not today. This is too important.
(ED note - if you just like plain pizza, no judgments here, but you don’t have to keep reading because none of the following will make any sense to you. I would suggest that if you’re open to it, try a few topping combinations and see if you like any. It could make you a more fun and exciting person.)
So, imagine this: it’s a Saturday afternoon and you had an impromptu hangout at a new-ish friend’s house. You have no plans for the evening and the homeowner offers to order some pizzas because no one else has any plans that evening either. Great. What a generous thing to do. You thank them for said generosity. Now, you don’t have a real pizza history with this person, so they very reasonably inquire as to what you like on your pizza. Your first instinct is to just respond truthfully and say what your favorite pizza topping is, but you don’t because you know that instinct is wrong.
You immediately think “hang on. I can’t eat an entire pizza by myself, so if I suggest a pizza topping I need to pick something that will have some support in the room or I will at least be able to make a case for.” Again you don’t have a pizza history with the host and depending on how many people are there, they are potentially going to be stuck with all of the leftover pizza. You need to suggest something that they are at the very least not going to mind, but what do you really know about them? What are their dietary habits? Are they a meat lover or a veggie type of person? Pepperoni or sausage? How do they feel about mushrooms? Can you figure this out based on the little information you have about this person? Can you figure it out in the 5-10 seconds you’re expected to provide a response? It’s a lot and that’s only one variable you have to consider!
Your friend offered to get pizza, so it is assumed that they will be paying for it. Even if you offer to kick in some money (and you really should be doing this), they’re still probably going to be paying for the lion’s share of the pies. You know the price of toppings can add up, so you have to decide how much toppings money your friend has. Was your friend just being polite and hoping you go plain? Can their wallet only afford extra cheese or could it withstand sausage, mushrooms, green peppers, and onions without batting an eye? If you ask for too many toppings, you’re putting your host in an awkward position financially because as a good host, they need to honor your decision. If you don’t have a pizza history, then it’s also too early in the relationship for them to take a risk at being a bad host. Their reputation could take a hit and you don’t want to ruin their social standing all because you asked for too many toppings!
Now I know the plain pizza people who refused to leave (and were also offended that I suggested that they try new toppings) are going to loudly recommend just saying “plain works for me” and be done with it. In fact, I’m sure more than a few in the toppings crowd feel this is the correct course of action as well because you’re already too stressed out just imagining this scenario. And this may well be the right answer. Plain pizza is perfectly acceptable pizza. I’m never going to publicly complain about receiving a plain pizza. However, there’s the last and potentially most important variable to consider. This could be a litmus test on the part of the host to determine the future of your friendship.
When your host asks you for your pizza toppings of choice, they subtly want to know more about you and if you and they are compatible. Remember, in this scenario, you don’t have much of a shared pizza history, so you basically barely know each other. A person’s pizza toppings are a deeply personal choice and say a lot about their tastes, style, and ultimately who they are as a person. If your favorite pizza toppings match up with the hosts, you are likely going to get along famously. I would even go so far as to say that’s pretty solid grounds for marriage.
I’m not going to do some silly breakdown that assigns personalities to different pizza toppings. That’s reductive and arbitrary. (That being said, plain pizza people, you’re dependable but boring and/or your parents were cheap growing up and you never developed a taste for the finer things in life.) However, I will say that having a fun and unique goto topping combination is a guaranteed conversation starter. Plus, suggesting a new or previously unheard of topping mix is like suggesting a new band to someone; if they like it, it’s going to be a game changer. You’ll definitely earn cool points from your host.
So, where does that leave us? Do you try to impress your host at the risk of being a thoughtless guest or do you play it safe? This is a calculus you have to constantly perform just to continue living as a well-thought-of human being wandering about this crazy world of ours. I know it’s not fair, but think of the alternative: you could be a plain pizza person who avoids all the highs and lows of life. Someone who never takes a chance on pizza toppings and never suggests a novel one that could ultimately result in finding your soulmate. Do you really want to be someone who doesn’t take a chance on love? If you ask me, that’s not OK.