Tell Them I Said Hello

I have a confession to make. If you’ve ever told me to tell someone else that you said Hello to them, chances are I didn’t. To be honest, I just thought it wasn’t something you had to actually do. It doesn’t really make sense. Does the person I’m saying Hello to on your behalf say it back? Do I then have to relay that information back to you? Is this the start of a conversation? We have so many efficient ways to contact each other, I just don’t see the need to bring human proxies into it.

However, I was recently called on the carpet to answer for my sins of not relaying a Hello from one party to another party. Apparently, the first party ran into the second party at an actual party and in the course of their conversation it was discovered that I had not relayed the Hello. It would seem the second party was initially aggrieved that the first party hadn’t sent a Hello through me. After they discovered that the issue was in the mode of communication itself, they both decided it was appropriate to shoot the messenger despite centuries of historical precedent suggesting otherwise.

In a highly coordinated attack, I was read the riot double act by the first and second party via a group text. They definitely choreographed the entire assault, with the first party telling me that I violated a very sacred social contract, while the second party peppered in comments that I had unraveled the very fabric of our civilization. This went on for a bit with them taking turns making each point while besmirching my character where possible. I stayed silent during this little song and dance waiting for the big finale and when they finally broke for applause, the only clapping they received was my thunderous clap back (and now I will hold for a standing ovation for that excellent word play).

First of all, as evidenced by the group text, they clearly could have texted each other Hello at any time and the way I saw it, I was actually just getting in the way. Secondly, did they not see how by not playing their Hello go-between that I brought them closer together? They spent all this time building upon their friendship through their choreographed upbraiding and wasn’t that more important than just getting an impersonal Hello in person from another person?

They were admittedly caught off guard by my line of thinking and had to admit that they had enjoyed working together on this little project of excoriation and would likely be in more regular contact going forward about any number of things. Now that they were staggered, I knew it was time to nail them with the coup de grace.

“Besides, you’re blowing this whole thing out of proportion. No one has ever told me that so-and-so said Hello. I’m sure it rarely ever happens.”

I expected this to be the nail in the coffin of this conversation with a few “I suppose you’re right” and “we’re sorry, we gave you the business over such a non-indiscretion” comments and then I could go back to my life. However, after an interminably long time, filled with ellipses that would disappear and reappear at various intervals, one of the parties finally messaged “Wait, no one has ever sent you a Hello?”

I told them I was sure people had passed along Hellos via proxy to my various friends and colleagues who rightly figured it wasn’t necessary to relay them and just went along with their lives. The ellipses began their dance again for an even longer time and I was subsequently informed that after a quick poll of everyone they knew, everyone and their mother (who were excluded from the category of everyone for some reason) passed along Hellos. In fact, what was most likely happening was that no one wanted to send me a Hello.

Now, I know when my leg has been pulled and I was certain that my leg was practically wrenched out of its socket by these two jokers. However, there was something very earnest about their messages that gave me pause. After a few hours of the idea gnawing at me, I decided to casually survey my peers to see A.) how widespread the Hello proxy phenomenon really was and B.) if I had any unheard Hellos floating out in the ether. The results were troubling to say the least. To say the most, they were catastrophic.

Apparently, 94% of those surveyed (with a 4% margin of error) passed along proxy Hellos, while 89% reported that they were “happy or glad to let people know that another person had asked to say Hello to them”. I really was in the minority here!

What’s worse is that no one reported any undelivered Hellos for me and furthermore could not remember a time when someone asked them to say Hello to me. This was getting pretty serious! Why didn’t anyone feel compelled to pass along a Hello to me? I’m reasonably charming and fun at parties. Were people just mad that I wasn’t passing along their Hellos?

I decided I needed to send out another survey to see why people wouldn’t want to send me a Hello. My first attempt at this went poorly as I only had one respondent and their answer was “I’m your wife. That would be weird.” After I sent out the survey again and this time promised that one random entrant could possibly win an iPad, I got a much better turn out, but much more troubling results.

When asked how likely they were to tell someone to tell me that they said Hello, respondents were very favorable with an average score of 8.7 out of 10 of overall likeliness to send a proxy Hello. However, when asked why they ultimately did not send me a Hello, the respondents uniformly answered that my name just didn’t come up in conversation.

Now, I’m not going to say I wasn’t upset that no one was asking other people to say Hello to me–I clearly created two surveys about it–but to find out that I never come up in conversation is a series of increasingly sharp daggers straight through the heart! I mean you spend your whole life cultivating a personality and try to be just interesting enough to be featured in a cocktail party anecdote, but all of your friends, relations, and associates are too busy talking about current events or the golden age of television or even their children! It’s absolutely devastating.

I’m sure you might have gotten a bit worried that having hit such a nadir that I might do something drastic to get people to start talking about me. Well, don’t fret, I’m not going to become one of those people who walk around with an exotic animal draped around their neck all the time or make a scene on an airplane. I have too much self-confidence for that… but not so much self-confidence that I won’t beg you to please start bringing me up in conversation!

I’m not asking for much either. I only need you to bring me up in conversation once a month or even once a quarter. Heck, I’d take twice a year on your own cadence. It doesn’t even need to be a full anecdote either. Just a quick “You know who I saw the other day? Ryan T. Barlow” during a lull would be great. 

And what do you get out of this? Well, if you bring me up in conversation twice a year, I promise I will deliver any and all of your Hellos in a timely fashion going forward. And as an added bonus, I will tell anyone I run into who knows you that I told them to tell you that I said Hello and when’s the last time you got one of those? You might want to run a survey. Just saying.