We Need to Do Something about Onions

Onions aren’t for everyone. It took me a while before I was finally able to enjoy the complex flavor profile that a raw Onion can bring to an Italian hoagie or discover how an Onion ring can be an able companion to a cheeseburger. So, while I still empathize with the Onion averse, Onions are on my approved vegetable list. Not at the top of my approved vegetable list mind you, but to be fair my approved vegetable list is arranged alphabetically.

I’m sure that if the headline for this piece has remained fresh in your mind, you are bracing yourself for yet another superfluous examination of the tearful pitfalls of cutting an Onion. To that I say, how dare you accuse me of being so pedestrian as to take a swipe at the low hanging fruit of cutting Onions. I’m not doing this just to steal the quick click from the scrolling masses. I make fresh and unique observations about the world around us in the hopes that you, dear reader, will be able to unlock the door to the deeper truths of the wider universe instead of just settling to peep through the keyhole. Do you honestly think there’s anything left to be said about cutting Onions? No, as far as I’m concerned the book is closed on cutting Onions and if you’d like to reopen it, I hear it’s a popular topic on TikTok.

No, my issue with Onions has to do with Onion breath. When you eat a raw Onion in a sandwich or on a burger, your breath is permanently changed for hours! And good luck tossing a mint or a piece of chewing gum between your molars in the hopes of driving it out. The Onion’s various scents, flavors, oils, and whatever else will hang around in the bowels of your mouth until you are finally in a position to very thoroughly brush, floss, rinse, gargle, and spit.

This is what I mean when I say we need to do something about Onions. Surely, medical science has advanced to the point where we can create a mint so powerful it eliminates all odors. Or perhaps, our top plant geneticists can modify onions, so that after playing their part in the melange of a bruschetta, they exit gracefully down the back of the throat, only to be remembered, not re-tasted again and again long after the other flavors have left the party.

Now, I know what you’re going to say: “Barlow, you ass! There already is something to be done about Onions! You can caramelize them!”

Great idea! You get started on that and I’ll have some when you get back in 2-3 hours give or take.

Of course, those of you who were smart enough not to offer to caramelize some Onions are still probably going to suggest that I could saute, fry, or frizzle Onions to avoid the dreaded Onion mouth. Sure, those have their place in the culinary world, but in a fresh garden salad? I don’t think so.

Naturally, you would say you wouldn’t put Onions on a fresh garden salad. To which I would respond: What is with you today? You have been nothing but adversarial from the jump off. Are you just having a bad day or is it something I did? Did you actually just want to hear my take on cutting Onions? Fine, here’s my take:

Cutting Onions sucks! I muscle through it as fast as possible and hope my eyes aren’t stinging for the next few minutes.

That’s all I got. Not exactly a hot take. Although to be fair, I’m not exactly blowing the lid off of bad Onion breath either. We all know it’s a problem, but I do think that people don’t talk about it enough and it’s a pretty serious issue.

Think of it this way: Cutting Onions can be painful, but it doesn’t last that long. It’s just the cost of doing business. What does last long is the Onion flavor and smell lingering in your mouth long after your hoagie is a distant memory. It just keeps going, impacting both your taste buds and your self-confidence knowing that every time you talk, someone could get a whiff of your bad breath and think less of you. No one thinks less of you for crying a little while cutting Onions, but everyone thinks less of you if you stink like Onions. I really think this is something we as a society need to address.

Do you see my point or do you still want to fight about it some more? Or are you just looking for a fight period? Look, I’m here if you need to vent, but not if you’re just going to attack me and my very reasonable opinions about why raw onions need to be either toned down or mints need to step up their game. It’s just not productive and it’s hurting the cause.

How about this? You write up whatever is bothering you and send it to me. Just get it all out and I swear you’ll feel better. I promise I’ll read the whole thing and not interject. Then we can really start to have a meaningful dialogue about the many deleterious effects of Onion breath on the world and how we can affect meaningful change.

After you finish caramelizing those onions, of course. I bet they’re going to be delicious and I can’t wait to have some.