No, I Don’t Like Brussel Sprouts and That’s OK
We have reached a point as a society where it is considered a personal failing to not like Brussel Sprouts. If you admit to not liking Brussel Sprouts–as I myself have–people will insist that it’s simply impossible to not like them and that you’re being childish for not giving them a chance.
Now I don’t like being accused of being childish, and I don’t think anyone does, so about ten years ago I made it my personal mission to give Brussel Sprouts a chance. Thus at my first opportunity, a dinner party specifically, I tried a Brussel Sprout… and I did not care for it. It was overly bitter and just honestly not my cup of tea. Not everyone has to like everything.
Some time later, I am relating my experience with Brussel Sprouts to a friend. This friend then assures me that the Brussel Sprouts I had were prepared improperly and that if I would allow him to make me Brussel Sprouts in what he considers to be the correct method, my taste buds would age considerably and I would no longer be considered childish by my peers. I heartily agreed.
When the time came for me to have these Brussel Sprouts, I was crestfallen, but not surprised that I again did not like them. My friend thanked me for giving Brussel Sprouts an honest try and had to admit that if I didn’t like Brussel Sprouts in this fashion then I must truly dislike Brussel Sprouts.
A little more time after that, as I was again about to be chastised for not liking Brussel Sprouts, I reported that I had given it the old college try and had them in what was considered to be the ultimate preparation method. This person smiled condescendingly and informed me that my friend was wrong. There is a much better recipe to follow to bring out the true delicious flavor of Brussel Sprouts. I said “Lay on MacDuff!” to which they replied with a puzzled stare. I explained this was a reference to MacBeth and they acted like they knew exactly what I was talking about, but I could tell they really didn’t.
Anyway, I was eventually provided with what was to be my Brussel Sprout deliverance and sadly, I yet again had to inform the chef that while I thought they were very well done, I simply did not enjoy the Brussel Sprouts. Shocked, this person begrudgingly agreed that I simply must have some sort of taste defect that doesn’t enjoy Brussel Sprouts. We parted on good terms.
Even more time after that, another friend heard tell of my Brussel Sprout experiences and leapt to inform me that I had been led astray by Brussel Sprout heretics. My Brussel Sprout salvation was at hand for she had the one true Brussel Sprout recipe to rule them all. I think you can probably see where I’m going with this. I still didn’t like the Brussel Sprouts.
This happened to me SEVEN more times. Each person more incredulous than the last that an adult human could not like Brussel Sprouts providing me with yet another recipe and me dutifully proving them wrong.
Now before you roll up your sleeves and start pulling up your Pintrest Recipes Board to inform me that there is in fact an 11th way to have Brussel Sprouts that I just haven’t tried, I need you to stop for a moment and think about this. It’s just not scalable for me. There are 8 billion people in the world, give or take. I can’t personally convince each and every one of them that I don’t like Brussel Sprouts. I need you to just believe me.
I tried them with butter. I tried them with olive oil. I tried them boiled, roasted, and pan fried. With sea salt. With bacon. Drizzled with balsamic. I even tried using the correct term which is apparently “Brussels Sprouts”. None of it worked. I just don’t like Brussels Sprouts.
For the record, I love plenty of other vegetables. Lettuce, Cucumbers, Carrots, Broccoli, Broccoli Rabe, Spinach, the list goes on. I am a serious, fully grown man who owns a house and a car, has children, and goes to a 9 to 5 job five days a week. Let not my one deficiency condemn me to a life of scorn and mockery by society-at-large. Have you no heart? Did you even know that it’s actually “Brussels Sprouts”? I beg you, society-at-large, let me be!