Inside Out

I have just now discovered, more than halfway through the workday, that my underpants are on inside out. How could this have happened to me, a noted paragon of wearing underwear in its correct fashion? Well, I am in the midst of an Underpants Overhaul. My old underwear was decidedly worn for far too long and I also discovered that boxer shorts are now considered gauche. Anyone who is anyone wears boxer briefs or boxer trunks, or so I have read.

I decided to make the switch from boxers to boxer briefs to A.) keep up with the times and B.) because it’s become increasingly difficult to find comfortable boxer shorts in enjoyable patterns. It’s been a difficult period of adjustment settling into these more form fitting underpants and while I feel I have gotten used to them, I apparently haven’t gotten used to what they look and feel like when they are either inside out or inside in. Also, I want to say it was dark when I got them out of the drawer and put them on this morning even though that’s not true.

But back to my current quandary and the reason why I have not simply rectified the situation already instead of writing this essay. The answers are myriad–provided three reasons can count as myriad. Firstly, I’m working from the office today, which means the only place I could reasonably change would be in the bathroom and the stall doors don’t leave much to the imagination when it comes to someone taking off their pants and underwear. Secondly, to make this switch, I would have to take off my shoes, which mean my feet–socked though they may be–would have to touch the floor of a public restroom, which would then necessitate kicking off a sock overhaul, which I am just not emotionally or mentally prepared to do while already well into the midst of the aforementioned Underpants Overhaul.

Thirdly–which hopefully gets us into myriad territory–is that it’s simply too late to flip my underpants back the right way around. It’s already well past lunch, which means my underpants and indeed all underpants the world over are past the point of no return. Look, I’m not trying to be gross or lewd, but the bathing suit area of the average person is just a hotbed of secretions and odors that need to be kept away from pants and other lower body coverings. That’s why we have underwear. If I flip them around now, well, all that hard work that my underpants have been up to so far today will be undone as the now gross part of my underwear will be touching the very pants they were meant to protect. A complete disaster.

Now, I’m certain you must be asking “Didn’t your coworkers notice your underpants were on inside out as soon as you walked in the door in the morning? Why didn’t they tell you about your underpants so you could fix them early enough in the day before the secretions and odors really got going?” To answer your first question: Of course they did. How could they not? The second question is trickier.

The obvious answer is that office decorum prohibits the discussion of underpants among coworkers. In fact, HR notoriously frowns on underwear discussion in the office setting and not without reason. Underwear discussion can frequently become bawdy and–dare I say it–vulgar! Bawdiness and vulgarity have no place in a healthy work environment. I’ve always said that. In fact, try to name a time I haven’t said that. You simply can’t!

And please don’t try to, you have more than enough on your plate as it is and you need to stay focused.

All that being said, a coworker very easily could have pulled me aside with the quiet word in a conference room or the discrete email and I could have determined an appropriate course of action.

And yet they chose to do nothing and let me twist in the wind. I realize we’re merely coworkers and one needs to separate church and state so to speak, but I am a man in distress! Not discomfort mind you. I mean I clearly couldn’t tell that I was wearing them inside out and if I had for some odd reason decided to hold it all day, I would have never noticed. No, it is my very soul that is distressed because to get right down to it, I feel like a complete boob! What kind of idiot wears their underpants inside out? Oh it’s just awful.

I’m lucky I didn’t get taken hostage today because I just know they’d be the kind of hostage takers that would make everyone strip down to their underwear before putting on uniform coveralls as a part of their elaborate getaway plan. Everything would be going fine and then there’d be that one little giggle. Then a nudge in the ribs. Then pointing. Then murmuring. Then a chortle or a guffaw. Finally, laughter would break out and the hostage takers would demand to know what’s so funny. It’d be very tense for a few moments and then someone would sheepishly point to my underpants and then the hostage takers would also burst out into laughter. Then when the hostage negotiator hears all the laughter, they’re going to ask about it and pretty soon, it’s all over the evening news! And also the internet which is even worse!

My life would basically be over at that point. Everywhere I went people would say “Did you check your underpants this morning?” and I would say “Yes” because I’m definitely going to do a better job checking every morning from now on. People probably wouldn’t think that response was very funny though, so they would probably be rude to me after that and is there anything worse than people being rude to you? No. I know you thought I was going to say having your underpants inside out is worse than people being rude to you, but that’s ridiculous.

Anyway, this Underpants Overhaul has been an unmitigated disaster. If there are any trendsetters in the audience, can you please make boxer shorts fashionable again? I would greatly appreciate it.