Dream Job

This may sound silly, but I have always dreamed of a career in government. Specifically, I wanted to become a non-essential government employee. The reason being that at my very first job out of college, I worked with a lot of these types and what I discovered is that they would get a tremendous amount of days off. There were public holidays, religious holidays, and they even had snow days! They were barely at work and they almost never had to work late. That’s what I wanted. It didn’t even matter what branch of government or at what level, I just wanted to get paid to not work very often.

However, having grown up substantially since I came up with that dream, I realized that dreaming of a job that has a lot of paid days off isn’t a dream job, it’s just me dreaming of not having a job at all. Now, since being born to rich parents never materialized, it has become apparent to me that I need to get serious about coming up with an actual dream job. I need to dream about a job that I would find fulfilling. Something that I could be excited about going to in the morning and satisfied to leave when I went home for the day.

Believe it or not, I have found that job and it’s still in government! There’s a very, very special and not frequently discussed agency under the Department of Transportation that I think does some of the most important work on the planet and I want to be a part of it. Ideally, somewhere towards the top part of it and that’s the Office of Shared Transportation Etiquette & Unwritten Rules

Now, if you’ve never heard of OSTEUR, that’s a shame because you probably have been affected by their work constantly. OSTEUR is responsible for creating and/or documenting all of those weird little rules and customs that we as Americans observe when we have to share a vehicle or other conveyance to get from one place to another.

Some of these rules happen organically and OSTEUR simply documents and codifies them. For instance, I’m sure you’re familiar with the rule that everyone has to look miserable on the subway. You could be having the absolute best day of your life, but as soon you cross through those sliding doors you will immediately look like your whole world just ended. No one knows where this custom came from or why it was developed, but it’s something that everyone does and everyone expects you to do. Seriously, the next time you are on a subway try to crack a smile. You probably won’t be able to. If you do manage to do it, everyone else on the subway will glower at you so intensely that you’ll feel compelled to immediately change your demeanor.

Some other rules however are developed specifically by OSTEUR to improve general quality of life for people on various modes of transportation. For instance, if you're traveling on a boat or other aquatic vehicles you are mandated to wave at people you pass by. That actually came directly from OSTEUR in 1901 to improve morale of sea-goers after the sinking of the USS Maine (although historians speculate this was actually to lay the groundwork for support of America’s burgeoning involvement in the creation of the Panama canal).

It’s also important to note that OSTEUR covers more than just vehicles, they cover escalators and elevators as well. That’s why when you're in an elevator and someone starts singing Space Oddity by David Bowie everyone will automatically join in. No one actually knows the precise origin of that rule, but it seems to have developed organically.

Now, I think you can see from my passion on this subject why I would love to join OSTEUR, but the reason actually goes a bit deeper. For the past 20 years, I’ve noticed a blindspot in OSTEUR’s purview that has bothered me to no end. It’s so glaring and bizarre, it’s basically led me on a crusade to first learn about OSTEUR and then to want to join the agency so I can enact some real change that will improve the lives of all Americans, but specifically those that ride the most lawless mode of transportation everyday: the bus.

I'm sure at some point you have found yourself on a bus, so you know what it’s like. There are no rules. It's chaos. No one knows what the hell is going on. People do whatever they want and it needs to be reined in. Now, I’m not looking for some big crackdown on how people should behave on buses. I don’t need everyone to greet each other with a big ostentatious bow every time they get on board or say “ring-a-ding-ding” whenever they pull the handle to request a stop. I just have one simple rule that I think needs to take effect immediately and will positively impact the quality of life of all riders. It may even improve ridership!

If you are having a cell phone conversation that includes racy details, you are not allowed to censor yourself. You have to tell all the juiciest stuff or else just don't have the call.

If you’re scratching your head at the moment wondering where this rule came from and why it’s necessary, allow me to tell you a true story that happened to me to better illustrate my point.

Several years ago, I was sitting on a very crowded bus. It eventually got so full that people had to stand in the aisle. So, a gentleman who boards the bus ends up standing in the aisle next to my seat, which was also basically in the center of the bus, so acoustically, everyone on the bus would easily be able to hear him. He’s maybe late 20’s or early 30’s. He’s got the air of someone who does account management for a medium-to-large size business where he mostly just takes clients out to dinner or to ballgames.

Shortly after the bus lurches off on its merry way, his phone rings and he answers it in a clear voice that as I previously mentioned is perfectly audible to literally everyone on the bus. He doesn’t whisper or try to be discreet about it. He has the conversation in the same volume and tone that he would at home in his living room. 

The following is a true and accurate transcription of the phone call as heard by ALL of the riders of the Northbound 48 Bus departing from City Hall. It should also be noted that no one on the bus, myself included, can hear the voice on the other end of the phone.

“Oh, hey man what's up? Cool. Me? Oh, I'm just on the bus riding home. What? Did I hear about Mark and Katie? Are you kidding? I was over at Katie's the second I heard last night. Aw man, you know it. I’ve been waiting for this for years. What happened? Well, you know I got there and she was crying a lot on the sofa there, so I just sat down next to her and put my arm around her and then… well I don't want to say because I'm on the bus right now, but I'll tell you later tonight. What about Mark? Well, he showed up later and he was pretty pissed off to see me, especially because I was wearing his pajamas and Katie was just getting out of the shower. Yeah, it was dicey. What did he say? Well, I'm on the bus right now, but he definitely brought up that business with Beth and Jeff from last year, which made Katie almost throw a lamp at him. Yeah, it got ugly and they started yelling so loud I thought someone was going to call the cops. What’d I do? Well… I'm on the bus right now, but let's just say things were pretty awkward when I made them both breakfast the next morning.”

The reaction you are having right now is likely the same reaction that I and every single person on the bus that day was having: It is not possible for a normal human to fill on all of those blanks. Look, we’re not prudes, this guy was clearly there to bang Katie, who had just broken up with her boyfriend Mark, but how and why did he end up in Mark’s pajamas? Why was that even relevant to the story? And who are Beth and Jeff and what was the business that happened with them last year? And then it sounds like maybe he talked Mark and Katie into a threesome, which to be clear this was the late 2000’s when that sort of thing was incredibly scandalous… even for people who rode the bus. But the real question is: how did he manage to turn a violent argument into a threesome and then he felt compelled to stick around until the next morning and make them breakfast? Even though it was admittedly awkward?

How can you tease a crowded bus full of people like that? I mean there’s just no way anyone could construct a version of the events based on what we heard that makes a lick of sense. We are missing key details and it’s just not right! Think of how many of us poor bus riders have spent countless sleepless nights wondering what kind of breakfast do you even make after an awkward threesome with a newly broken up couple! And this maniac can’t be the only person having phone calls like this on buses all over the country. Bus riders from Alaska to Florida, from Hawaii to Maine need protection from these monsters!

This is why I want to be a part of OSTEUR. No, this is why I NEED to be a part of OSTEUR. Someone needs to make sure this never happens again and that someone is me. And also I need all those holidays and snow days.